Blog #1
People Pleasing vs Being Kind
There is a difference between people-pleasing and being kind. Being kind is a form of self-expression whereas pleasing people with the expectation of getting something back is a contract.
“People pleaser refers to person who has strong urge to please others at their own expense”
This kind of person wants confirmation that he/she is important to the people around them, doesn’t look for confirmation from within, but rather looks for it everywhere else. They want to be recognized and accepted by everyone. So, seeking approval and validation from others is a hallmark trait of a people-pleaser.
Psychology of People Pleasing
People pleasers fall under the personality called dependent personality behavior where one tends to please others. Reasons to please others may include insecurities, fear of disapproval, rejection, need to be cared for, loved, and liked. They tend to please avoid bad emotions behind these. This sort of behavior may lead to borderline personality disorders.
This kind of trait may have its roots in early life experiences and early relationships. If one had a parent or friend who was conditional and inconsistent in terms of caring, a person may struggle with constantly pleasing and getting loved or cared for.
Conditioning may have started from early childhood experiences like “Good Girl Syndrome” when we become self-sacrificing martyrs trying to please others for the sake of compliment, instead of being well-balanced children.
Signs of people pleasers
So how do you know whether you’re a pleasant individual or somebody who fits the profile of a people pleaser?
The people pleaser may have the following traits:
- Is too agreeable
- Low self-worth
- Not being able to say NO
- Accommodates everybody else’s needs
- Undermines own needs
- Goes with the flow that’s managed by others
- Do not assert themselves
- Feels important when complying with others
- Apologizing for things that aren’t your fault
- Says sorry, even when no apology is required
- Takes the blame, when not at fault
- Makes excuses for other’s fault
This is where people-pleasers struggle with
1. Become a validation seeker in most of the behaviors.
2. Insecurity about being disapproved if not pleased.
3. Low self-esteem because of dependency on others.
4. Feel taken advantage of or manipulated.
Overcoming people-pleasing traits
In your people-pleaser behaviour, it’s good to look for the pattern. There may be people that you feel more of a compulsion to try and satisfy. Your people-pleasing behavior or actions may be a way to recover from the hurt they caused you in the past. The following things may help you overcome this trait:
- Recognizing that your needs matter as much as everyone else (Self-care at first; taking care of yourself is what matters before you serve.)
- Noticing negative assumptions and challenging them (don’t assume that people think ill of you or that differing opinions won’t be accepted)
- Nurturing relationships with people who accept you for who you are (getting into a circle who accepts you the way you are)
- Getting to know yourself better (knowing what you like, what you need, and what your goals are)
- Identifying your values and living authentically (in alignment with your beliefs and interests)
- Being assertive and setting boundaries without guilt (remembering that boundaries are kind and helpful)
- Accepting that not everyone will like you or be happy with you all the time (you cannot guarantee others perceptions of you, but you can about yourself)
- Maintaining a give-and-take in relationships (limiting time with takers who don’t reciprocate)
- Accepting that you can’t control what others think of you (one cannot control others’ think, but rather can accept this truth and have control over one’s)
Time to Reflect
- What experiences molded me into a people-pleaser? What contributed to your fear of rejection, abandonment, conflict, or criticism? How can I balance my needs with other people’s needs?
- What prevents me from being assertive? How can I tolerate the pain of someone being angry at me or not liking me? How can I comfort myself?
- How can I express my opinions and ideas more honestly?
- How will my health and relationships improve if I take better care of myself?
